I think we can all agree on the fact that Jason Voorhees is a crazy mofo hell bent on avenging his mother’s death (coincidentally, she was a crazy ass bi*** hell bent on revenge as well, must run in the family).
So, when a dude who looks like a professional wrestler starts walking towards you wearing a hockey mask and equipped with a tool belt which seemingly only holds an extra sharp machete, it’s probably time to get the hell out of dodge. Or if you are a young and horny camp counselor you may mistake such a situation as a good time to skinny dip, have sex, smoke weed (sometimes all of these at the same time), or perhaps just start running and falling down over and over again until the last stupid decision helps Jason make you dead. And believe me, it will happen.
Now that we have introductions out of the way, take a look below at clips of what we consider to be the 13 Most Brutal Kills in the Friday the 13th franchise. With some interesting insight along the way of course.
Toilet Kill - Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
My man here is the symbol of cool back in 1985, from the hair, to the jacket, to whatever the hell he is wearing for earrings, he was lookin’ good and definitely feelin’ good too. Now of course Jason had to come along and just do him DIRTY while he is of all places, on the toilet in a damn grimy ass steel outdoor “crap room” that isn’t even portable. He didn’t even have a chance to wipe!
Eye-Popping Kill - Friday the 13th: Part 3 (1982)
Pre-hockey mask Jason had some SERIOUS forearm strength popping’ dudes eyeball right out of his head with little effort. I struggle more trying to open a jar of pickles! Ouch.
"Surprise!" Kill - Friday the 13th: Part 2 (1981)
Nice wholesome girl probably just got back from bible study and what does she find, damn crazy ass burlap sack Jason sleeping on the job. Clearly he was exhausted from murdering the guy she hoped to lose her virginity to, and because who doesn’t absolutely hate getting woken up from a nice power nap during a long workday, Jason had to get up and slice her up real quick. For those of you concerned, I’m sure he laid back down right after.
Party Crash Kill - Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
Freddy vs. Jason is full of “that’s awesome” moments, and if it’s one thing that I know for sure, it’s that zero people felt sympathy for these idiots who had their backwoods cornfield bonfire party ruined by a hockey mask wearing maniac. It’s always fun to see Jason take on a group of people because it proves that he “ain’t neva scared”. I hope he got each and every one of those little bastards, although I’m sure he singled out the pretty girls as per usual.
Crispin Glover Kill - Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
I’m convinced that Jason had no intention of murdering anyone else for the remainder of the evening (he’d probably hit his quota) but idiot Crispin “Back to the Future” Glover had to start whining like a little bi*** about that damn fancy ass corkscrew with his annoyingly high pitched voice so he can enjoy some nice chardonnay. Well, learn to organize your kitchen better and maybe this wouldn’t have happened - with that being said, that’s what you get Crispin!! Also note that Ted doesn’t give a damn, he’s just trying to relax and enjoy that old ass movie he’s watching.
Kevin Bacon Kill - Friday the 13th (1980)
Poor Kevin Bacon, one thing is for sure it’s a good thing he gave up his dream of becoming a lifelong camp counselor because clearly he wasn’t “cut out” for that life (see what I did there?). But seriously, how he survived a damn spear or fire poker or whatever the hell that was driven up through his voice box and then managed to have a very successful acting career for damn near 40 years is beyond me. He’s tough as nails.
Foldable Bed Kill - Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
Well, let this be a lesson to everyone that sleeping on any sort of foldable bed, whether it be a futon or a damn cot, is a bad idea. Unless maybe you are one of those freakishly flexible people, but still I’d avoid it. And don’t even get me started on a Murphy bed, you know damn well Jason will smush your ass in between that bed and the wall without a 2nd thought. This guy is just trying to enjoy some cheap piss warm beer before he gets a little action, and instead he get’s machete’d in the back numerous times before getting turned into a damn Cheesy Gordita Crunch. The best part is Lochlyn Munro rolling up in his squad car “you kid’s need some help?”. No we’re good, just ignore the frantically screaming females banging on your car. All I could picture is his character in Dead Man on Campus shooting at the cops during a high speed chase, “they hate when you do this!”.
Harpoon in the Eye Kill - Friday the 13th: Part 3 (1982)
Man do I hate getting things in my eye, especially when little a-hole flies think its a good idea to fly right into my eyeball on a nice summer day, not cool, not cool at all. Know what’s even less cool? When Jason shoots a damn harpoon through your eye socket, yeah that would definitely suck. Douche move Jason, definitely a douche move.
Sleeping Bag Kill - Friday the 13th: Part 7 (1988)
The good old classic sleeping bag kill. Now full disclosure, and no judgment here please this is a judgment fee zone (sort of like Planet Fitness except cool), but throughout my youth and my fascination with the Friday the 13th movies the sleeping bag kill always stood out for me and i’m not quite sure why. I mean I could probably pay a therapist $200 an hour to tell me why they think that is, but i’d rather save the cash and let it remain a mystery buried deep in my subconscious. But seriously, Jason picking up a human being while wrapped up in a sleeping bag like a burrito and effortlessly smashing them against a tree like he’s at batting practice is just classic Jason.
Sleeping Bag Kill: Part Deux - Friday the 13th (2009)
The only thing better than the epic sleeping bag kill?! Yet another sleeping bag kill, duh! (they will NEVER learn!) Someone should probably put up a sign saying “NO SLEEPING BAGS!!”. In this scene it’s clear that Jason has matured and has since adopted the “work harder not smarter” mindset so instead of exerting all of that energy smashing her against a tree, he decides he will let the fire do the leg work and roast her like a s’more instead. Smart thinking Jason, smart thinking. If you had to choose would you had to choose one or the other, would you get roasted in a sleeping bag (seems to happen relatively fast), or would you choose stepping in a bear trap that turns your ankle into hamburger meat while you watch your girlfriend meet her demise only to have Jason come at you like Lawrence Taylor getting ready to sack Joe Theismann? The machete to the forehead is a nice touch of course. Tough decision I know.
Wheelchair Kill - Friday the 13th: Part 2 (1981)
Come on Jason, where do we draw the line?! Isn’t it enough that dude clearly watched his dreams of playing professional football disappear when he thought it was a good idea to drink 30 beers and go on a joyride in his red Camaro landing him in this wheelchair. Nope, you had to pile it on. With zero chance of defending himself, you put a machete through his head just for kicks. And to add insult to injury, he ends up going down the longest and steepest stairs I have ever seen, and backwards! Well at least you killed him before the stairs thing, that was nice of you.
Impaled During Sex Kill - Friday the 13th: Part 2 (1981)
I know what you’re thinking, murdering people during the act of love is pretty messed up, and you’d be right it is. But let’s look a little deeper into this situation, shall we? Clearly Jason gave them ample time to “finish”, which they seemingly did. But instead of going their separate ways like normal consenting adults and checking to see if they had any more beer in the fridge, this idiot breaks the cardinal rule and decides he wants to cuddle for awhile. I mean what?! I honestly think Jason was so disgusted by the cuddling that he had no choice but to take this guy out. I get it Jason, it had to be done.
Handstand Kill - Friday the 13th: Part 3 (1982)
On one hand this guy is just a bro crushing beers and getting with hot girls, but then he decides he’s going to just handstand his way around the house? I mean maybe he’s on the cheerleading squad or something? Not sure if that was a thing back in the early 80’s but come on man what are you up to?! Again, Jason had no choice but to step in because this guy was embarrassing himself. His job is never done.
Feel free to cancel this weekends camping trip, it may be for the best.
Happy Friday the 13th!!